fingernails, beatitude

I bought a new pair of nail clippers the other day, one of my first purchases in village here in Andavadoaka, Madagascar.

Glancing at the Chinese lettering on the side of the box, I tried to be optimistic about their quality.  I tried to tell myself that I was exaggerating in remembering how ridiculously poorly-made things can be here, things that arrive in great heaps, via unregulated export channels from no-name-crap factories across mainland China…

But later on, after clipping a mere four fingernails, the damn handle snapped in half.  Snapped!!  Whoever heard of a nail clipper snapping?  My nails are, for the record, of normal length and thickness.  It’s just that this nail clipper was made from reconstituted tuna cans, or spray-painted popsicle sticks.

So with no other option (since I forgot my damn nail clippers in Rhode Island) I bought another nail clipper, from another Chinese-lettered box, from another street market stall… clippers at which I am now gazing prayerfully, for two reasons:

One, I hope and pray that they won’t snap on me.

Two, there is a hologram of Jesus on the little handle.

But the best part about this beatific nail clipper is its third use – clipping nails being the first use, praying to Our Savior Jeebus Christ being the second.  Thirdly, it’s also a bottle opener.

the Holy Hologram

This should be disturbing on multiple levels, whether your value system revolves around the Bible, the bottle, or basic principles of hygiene.

The part that cracks open a beer (to be raised to your lips or poured in your glass) is just centimeters from the part that cracks off a toe nail (after it has collected a menagerie of germs from your bipedal travels) or fingernail (harbinger of an untold variety of communicable diseases).  Both of these parts are neatly arranged around Dear Lord Jeepers.

Dear China, this is either a brilliant design, or a humiliating design flaw — flaws for which, as my long-standing theory goes, many items end up shipped to non-Anglophone, non-FDA-approved Madagascar, as opposed to their originally-intended developed-world destination.  Like tee-shirts that say “Yuor so my rainboww flower, happyness”.

But out of necessity, I now own this little holy grooming tool/party tool.

Alas, I drink wine but not beer, practice yoga but don’t pray… but I do have dirty fingernails.